eating breakfast and somebody would just like explode in the distance. I walked into this room. I freaking killed it! Dropped the mic. And when I went to Jazz Camp, people were bullies.

I'm going to try a joke with you. Okay. Hi, I'm hungry. Hi. Oh, no. Yes. This is horrible. It's not, though. It's horrible. That's you, that you must have read about this.

I read about this. The first joke I ever tried to make, I was at a birthday party when I was four and everyone was going around, you're supposed to say your name. And when it got to me, I said, "I'm hungry," thinking that that would be

You were going to kill it in the room.

approval and unsurprisingly people were not that taken with that.

But it happened you used it since it's kind of worked to your favor now.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Every, every date I've ever been on, that's always my, my first line. And women just fall to the floor. just overwhelmed by the uh by the magnetism of that joke. I don't know what it, what it is about people do a lot of gifs of you online. When you just did this thing, it reminded me of a, you know.

I think I have like a a natural discomfort that works well in gifs. If you want to encapsulate somebody who doesn't feel good in their own skin in in a single gif, I think I'm, I'm your guy. Even just that. Look what I did. My, my elbows came in. I kind of T-rex armed out a little.

This beautiful gif. You just did the gif for our editor, too. Our editor doesn't even have to edit that and turn it into a gif. There you go. You're welcome America. I got you back, all the editors.

It's a pretty good deal, all things considered. And Richard, I I'd understand if you took it. Thank you, Jared. But Julie was like an abusive spouse to me, you know. Like um that guy who married Julia Roberts in Sleeping with the Enemy. It was dehumanizing. But then, you, Richard, you pulled me out of the life and you gave me hope, and you gave me a sense of self-worth like Richard Gere did to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. This is weird.

I know you had and you've told before bad audition stories.

Yes, some.

I want to hear your great audition story from this From this show.

My great audition story. Well, great audition stories are like, first of all, few and far between. And also, they're gross. That's just like, I walked into this room. I freaking killed it. Dropped the mic. Like, like, like success stories are so obnoxious.

I know, that's why I want to hear it.

Uh, you know often the like, all the auditions feeling like they were catastrophes. And, and uh sometimes I'll get those jobs. So I don't think I have a good internal barometer of of how they went. Yeah. Yeah. But it certainly wasn't like the Rastafarian hair that you had for the job. Was it a Jolly Rancher?

No, this was a-- It was a Starburst commercial audition where I had to be shirtless and wear Rastafarian wig and feed women Starburst. And it was terrible.

That sounds like a lot of people's dream, to be honest.

Yeah, if I had that very, very particular fetish, it would have been the happiest I'd ever been, but unfortunately, I didn't.

Have you actually thought about, you know, if you were the head of business development or like one of these, like what would be the perks you would enjoy? What would be your main three requests? I would want to have like

Yeah, what would you want?

I would want to have an all white room. I would want to be like,

Really?

Yes. And you shower with Evian. Like pure. You want to be an all That's an An all white room is just a That's a insane asylum. Right? That's just then I want billowy curtains. I want it all to be like

Okay. I've had the main thing, to be 100% honest, airplanes, like the difference between the fancy seats on an airplane and coach seats on an airplane, it's so gross like how Like in first class they like make ice cream sundaes for you and in coach they're I just read an article, they're trying to put bike seats in airplanes so that people have to stand so that they can put fit more people. No. It's like steerage on the Titanic. They're like There should we make that movie where like Rose is in business class and Jack is in on the bike seats? No! It's so gross. So to be able to know that I could afford like fancy airplane. No, I don't mean a private plane, but just like that would be incredible because I'm also such a Just like you. You're a tall guy.

Yeah, I'm a tall guy.

I also had a fantasy. This one's very weird. I was like, it'd be nice to have a room that was a planetarium. And if you had trees all around the the edge so you couldn't see where the planetarium met the floor, so you would just fall asleep in this like fake outside. Yeah. But I told that to my friend and he was like, why don't you just get a big skylight? And then you would actually have the real nice sky.

Okay. So that's two. What would be your third perk?

Oh, there's a third perk. Yeah. I would like to have like a property where it's just like a lab for stuntmen who want to try out. So like but you live there. So but you just be like walking along and you just see like a guy fall off a ladder, and then like you'd be eating breakfast and somebody would just like explode in the distance. And like guys would be working out their stunts all around you all the time. So you just see all of this crazy shit happening constantly.

How in the world do you ever think of something like that? How does your mind work?

I don't know. But wouldn't that be cool when you're just eating breakfast and just like someone threw fell through like four plate glass windows? But you knew they were okay. That's great. I would love it. Yes, I would. It'd be so fun. And like hanging out, all your friends would want to come over to your place. I

And that's really the fantasy, isn't it? Just have friends who want to come over.

It'd be so fun. Yeah, that's what it is about.

I said I was going to make you cry in this interview. I said it was going to be a Babslike interview. I've succeeded.

The world makes me cry. You just reminded me of the world.

You are not on Twitter.

No. Too fragile. I'm too fragile. People are so mean online. I just try to stay away from it. It's like if there was a room and you know, like I'm going to walk in that room and people are going to like say mean stuff about my body, my my profession and my personality. You would not go in that room. Walk in that room. Oh my gosh. So I'm not going in the room.

I really think you could revolutionize social media based on that theory right there. It could end today. I don't get it. Today I shut down Twitter.

No, people are just people aren't such thin-skinned weirdos. That people most people are like, you know, laugh it off that I'm just too I think I'm too neurotic. I don't need, you know.

Right. And very last, but not least, how was Jazz Camp?

I had a pretty easy time socially during uh middle school and high school. No one was really mean to me, shockingly. And uh but then when I went to Jazz Camp, people were bullies.

Wow. At Jazz Camp. Which is where you would think that you would never think. You thought you were going to go and rule the roost there. You would never.

That's where I thought I'd be in my element, but wrong. They were meaner at Jazz Camp than like none of it. It's so funny like you'll see on TV it's like it's always like the lacrosse players or the football players are like the jerks. My experience is it's like out there saxophonists who you have to look out for.

See, I wasn't sure if it was jazz, like the music jazz or whether you could actually like tap dance and do jazz.

No, I wish. I took a dance class recently because I I was like, I see people dance at weddings and I'm like, what must that feel like? Like it must feel so good. Like to like to be able to like let go and just I know.

So you feel comfortable at weddings now?

Yeah, now I just poot a ballet all over the place.

Nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you, too. Thanks for talking. I'm no longer hungry, but um Oh, yeah, that joke. Keep, you know, I would be happy if that joke was forgotten forever.

I'll work on it. It ends here right now.